The Invisible Enemy
Rejecting perfection and embracing the eternal now
“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali
It was the third term of my first year in the senior secondary class, and I knew without a doubt that I would be failing maths. The next day, our parents would come to pick us up from school and the entire hostel was already buzzing with the excitement of leaving prison – I mean boarding school. Prefects were going up and down the halls shouting orders to clean up, and the younger students scrubbed away with glee, knowing that they would finally be free from those commands during the long holiday.
Like most of my mates, I’d finished packing up my boxes already. The last day of school was an exciting time to gossip about our escape from the most horrible seniors and share our plans for the upcoming vacation. From my room, I could hear the cackle of my class girls, and I envied them for being so carefree while I lay down wishing my bed could swallow me up. You see, even though I excelled in most subjects, I’d never been particularly good at maths and usually settled at a comfortable passing grade, but this time around, I was sure I had totally failed and had nightmares about the big fat F on my report card!
The next day, when my mother came to pick me up, my stomach lurched at her bright smile and warm kisses. She was so happy to see me, but she didn’t know the disappointment lying in wait for her. So before we reached the teacher’s office to collect my final grades, I burst out in tears with my confession and sob-filled sorry’s.
To my absolute surprise, she laughed. “Is that why you’re crying?”
Well, of course! All my success and achievements had always been praised and celebrated while every average performance was followed with a remark to do better. Though no one had told me directly, I was sure that failure meant disappointment, shame, and ultimately, abandonment. I wanted my parents to keep being proud of me and to keep loving me, and at the time, I believed that failing maths put those things in jeopardy. My mother laughed at me, gave me a big hug and told me a story of how bad she had been at maths when she was my age. By the time we collected my results, we were both shocked to see a “P” for pass, which was a whole step above an F! Even though it was still a poor grade, it helped me see just how much energy I’d poured into my worries and how arbitrary the grade itself was.
Since that time, I’ve noticed the same feelings come up in various circumstances and although I tried to fight it for a long time, I had to admit that all my feelings – yes, all of them, even the negative ones – were my own creation. Of course, my family, friends, and society had expectations of me, but beyond that, all my emotional suffering and mental anguish was self-inflicted.
Whenever I felt pressure to show up a certain way, I would complain, be in anguish, and blame everyone for putting me in the situation I was in. The peculiar thing was that no matter how I felt or how much anxiety I had and no matter how I’d performed, the world always seemed to just move on. Though I found it incredibly rude and distasteful, it didn’t seem to matter to life and it would be just as if nothing had happened. And indeed, nothing had.
With every strand of awareness that I caught, I began to see just how limiting the perspective of utmost perfection was. Is that why you’re crying? The question my mother asked me all those years ago would come up again.
Why are you stressed? Why are you scared? Why are you worried? Why are you complaining? Why are you angry? Why are you resentful?
With each question, I would realise that though my answers all seemed reasonable, and even valid in a lot of cases, they were still just excuses and the feelings that were coming up had been an unconscious choice coming from my limited perspective. I had been attempting to control and confine the results that I had when I interacted with the outside world. I was setting boundaries on an unbiased universe by expecting cookie cutter outcomes, judging the results I got, and making comparisons to the past or a projected future. Do you see the problem? By chasing this perfect version of myself and the world, I could not appreciate the present moment. And without appreciation for the present moment, or the eternal now as I like to call it, a series of patterns would unfold:
Failure. Stagnation. Self-doubt and distrust. Isolation.
Sound familiar?
At the worst of these times I hated myself. At the best of these times, I still hated myself but firmly believed I was better than everyone else. But sooner or later, I would get bored with this lousy way of living and pay attention to myself by asking some serious questions. Is that why you’re crying?
This soon became my self-awareness hack, and it never fails to bring me to the present moment. The beauty of the eternal now is that until death, you will always have it. And if you have that, every single moment is an opportunity to defeat whatever invisible enemy you have created for yourself. Just like most people, I am inspired by individuals who are authentic and embodied in their success. I may not know all their secrets yet, but one of them is their approach to living life:
The people that continue to grow and evolve stop setting conditions for perfection. They do not avoid the feelings that come with any occasion, whether they desire it or not, they simply allow themselves to experience it. Of course, this doesn’t mean a lack of goals or ambition, or a signal of weakness. On the contrary, being able to feel your feelings and be present during all your life’s experiences makes you stronger, and builds your capacity for power, love, sound mind, and continuous personal evolution.
“This too shall pass away” is a phrase often mentioned during sad or negative times, but life in itself is transient and so we must have a new understanding of this phrase. Now is the only moment you have – experience it, and experience it in full. And if you are fortunate enough to have more time, let the past moments be a lesson and a reason to laugh, forget your greed for the future, and instead be appreciative of your daily bread. This is how you defeat the invisible enemy and reclaim your life.
